Geez, is this Lame!

Looks like the Indians' marketing efforts have officially crossed the line from "innovative" to "pathetic." Check out this post from Deadspin.com, and go to the Grady's Ladies site, if you dare.

I guess I finally found a Cleveland sports site to which I won't add a link.

Off the Record, On the QT, and Very Hush Hush

I want to apologize to all of our loyal readers (well, to both of them anyway). Why? Because I'm so clueless that I didn't stumble across this site until five minutes ago. On the DL is a gossip site devoted exclusively to the extracurricular activities of MLB players--all of whom, I'm happy to say, easily outdistance Big Ben Roethlisberger in terms of the quality of their drinking companions.

You're guaranteed to have fun with this one, gang.

Update on Jason McElwain

A couple of weeks ago, we (and every other internet and traditional media outlet on the planet) told you about Jason McElwain of Greece Athena High School in Rochester, New York. The autistic team manager's 20 point performance against Spencerport High School was a really inspirational story that captured the attention of the whole country.

Here's an update from the Rochester Democrat and Chronicle on what happened next. Since his team beat my alma mater in the semi-final of the Class AA sectional championship, I find this part of the story much less inspiring.

Sure, that's petty. But I'm all about petty.

Mrs. Kirilenko and the ESPN Guys

The wife of Utah Jazz forward Andrei Kirilenko created a bit of a buzz when she told ESPN Magazine that she allows her husband to have sex with another woman once per season. As you can see from this article in the Salt Lake Tribune, noted ESPN stud muffins Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon and Mike Greenberg were lavish in their praise of Mrs. Kirilenko.

What really came across in their comments, however, was the fact that these three handsome devils seem to have actually deluded themselves into believing that, should their wives be as accomodating as Mrs. Kirilenko, they might actually be able to get another woman to sleep with them.

No offense, fellas, but you ain't professional athletes. Your wives could give you carte blanche, and I'd still bet that you couldn't get any if you were wandering around a cathouse with $100 bills hanging out of your pockets.

New Links

In my obsessive quest to have links to every active Cleveland sports blog, I've added four new sites.

Dawgs by Nature is a new Browns' blog that looks promising. Papa Cass is a Cleveland sports blog from Medina Gazette reporter and writer Eric Cassano. The Ohio LeBlog is a Cleveland sports blog from a displaced Clevelander named Matt Burgoon, who currently lives in Northern Virginia. The Id and I is a sports blog written by free-lance writer and Second City comedy writing alum Chris McVetta. Not only is McVetta's stuff funny, but he even answered the question "Which college team is your favorite?" correctly.

Spring Training

This should be a pretty boring spring for the Tribe. If you project the likely 25-man roster from the current 40-man roster, it becomes apparent that the battles for spots will be few.

Sabbathia, Westbrook, Lee, Byrd and Johnson will be the starters. It's a solid group.

Wickman, Mota (if healthy), Betancourt, Cabrera, Sauerbeck (the only lefty), and Miller are pretty good bets to be in the bullpen. This, too, is a solid group but lacks another lefty.

The infielders should be Martinez, Broussard, Perez, Hafner, Belliard, Boone and Peralta. With the exception of Boone and Perez, who will platoon with Broussard, they're young and should be fine.

The outfielders will be Sizemore, Hollandsworth, Blake and Michaels. Other than Sizemore, they don't get you excited, but they should be solid.

That's 22 guys. To fill out the roster, the Tribe needs another bullpen arm, a back-up catcher, and a utility infielder.

So, the three battles for spots come down to:

1. Jason Davis vs all the other pitchers who have question marks. Failed first round pick, Jeremy Guthrie, is hanging around. So is Jason Stanford. Neither will likely get the last spot unless Guthrie has a great spring. He has great stuff but apparently forgot how to pitch during the last two years. A few young guys also have a shot. Kaz Tadano (gay porn star), Tony Sipp and Andrew Brown all are interesting and have really nice arsenals of pitches. The problem is that managers tend to be conservative in making roster moves. That way it's harder to second guess them. My guess is Davis gets the nod, but Brown gets the job and explodes later in the year.

2. Kelly Shoppach vs. Einar Diaz. They're not too dissimilar. Both are pretty good catch and throw guys who know how to handle a staff. My guess is that Shoppach gets the job. I know this flies in the face of what I just wrote above, but it's a little bit different. The Tribe has to show something for trading a very popular player in Coco Crisp because I don't think Andy Marte makes the team unless he pulls a Sizemore in spring training. Even then, I still don't think he breaks with the team. Plus, Shoppach has the potential to be a very nice hitter. I had run a projection in an earlier post based upon his minor league performance and put his numbers at .242/.320/.419 with 18 homers and around 18 doubles if he were to get 450 at bats. I'd start Shoppach. He'll control the running game better than Diaz would.

3. Ramon Vazquez vs. Brandon Phillips. What the hell happened to Brandon Phillips? He was supposed to be the key piece of the Colon deal (along with Lee and Sizemore). He had been compared to some of the better shortstops in the game based upon his potential. The fault dear Brutus lies not in his stars but in his inability to control the strike zone. Phillips still has the defensive skills that make managers drool, but the guy just refuses to be more selective at the plate. He doesn't see enough pitches, which means that he doesn't see enough good pitches. That also means he's often hitting down in the count when a pitcher is throwing his pitch. Another result of that is that Phillips at times gets defensive at the plate. That has eroded his power. In other words, the kid's screwed himself up big time. The good news is that he'll only be 24 to start the season. There's time, but the Tribe seems to be losing patience with him. I think Vazquez gets the job. He's a bum, but he's happy to sit on the end of the bench, yuk it up with the other guys, and spit sunflower seeds. You need a few guys like that.

The one guy I haven't mentioned yet is Ryan Garko. Everyone wants him to succeed, but I think he's ticketed for Buffalo to get at bats while Eduardo Perez serves as the right handed platoon for Broussard. Of course, all of this could change with a trade (unlikely) or one of the guys I mentioned playing himself into consideration.

Boo hoo hoo, Lawrence Phillips Went Psycho Again

I'm sure Dick Vermeil is distraught to learn that the football world's biggest waste of DNA, Lawrence Phillips, has allegedly screwed up yet again. This time, Phillips was in a snit over his performance in a pick-up football game, and decided that the way to handle it was to plow his car into a bunch of kids. A California judge has decided that he needs to stand trial for his conduct. If convicted, Phillips could get 13 years in prison, but you know he won't.

To Phillips' credit, it appears that he at least decided to attack men--well, teenage boys-- this time. Usually, he likes to smack around the ladies. Although Phillips has hit a number of women, his most famous incident occured when he was at Nebraska. There, as you may recall, he was accused of breaking into his ex-girlfriend's room, dragging her by the hair down several flights of stairs, and slamming her head into a mailbox. Tom Osborne suspended Phillips, but made sure to reinstate him in time for the 1996 Fiesta Bowl.

I guess his two foremost apologists, Tom Osborne and Dick Vermeil, would suggest that Phillips' decision to attack teenage boys instead of women shows that he's learning from his mistakes.

Osborne, by the way, is now a Congressman from Nebraska and a sanctimonious ass. While he never met a sexual assault by one of his players that he couldn't overlook (remember Christian Peter?), Janet Jackson's Super Bowl boobie flash created such a sense of moral outrage in Osborne that he was prompted to co-found something called the Sex and Violence in the Media Caucus. Truly a great American.

Is it just me?

I know I'm real late in posting, but work intruded upon my ability to write.

Anyway, is it just me or did it seem like the USA was spanked in the Winter Olympics? I'm not talking about the typical boorish behavior of our athletes. That's become commonplace. Let's face it. As a general rule, our athletes lack the "Olympic spirit." Maybe it disappeared after the Cold War ended. Before that, our guys pulled together to beat the Soviet-bloc athletes. Otherwise, they were pretty gracious to our NATO allies and the athletes from the third world, except Cuba.

Since the wall came down, American Olympic athletes have lost their collective way.

I think that also sadly has spilled over into performance. Although the US racked up an impressive bunch of medals, it appeared like our athletes just slipped by in most of the events. The events where Americans dominated were the made up ones like snowboarding. I mean, what the hell is that and who the hell is the Flying Tomato? In case you didn't notice, and most people didn't (American Idol had better ratings.), the US Hockey teams looked like crap. The ski teams were embarassed. And, the men's speed skating team showed off its dysfunction for all the world to see.

It will be hard for the Americans to be more embarassing in Vancouver than they were in Torino, but I believe they'll do it. After all, "Citius, Altius, Fortius."

"The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not to win but to take part just as the most important thing in life is not the triumph, but the struggle. The essential thing is not to have conquered, but to have fought well."

~~~The Olympic Creed

Yeah. Right.

Reuben Droughns

The Browns signed Reuben Droughns to a three-year deal yesterday. Droughns is the kind of hard-nosed football player that it's easy to like. Although he's only 5'11 and 215 lbs., he plays a lot bigger than that. Droughns is a tough, physical runner who always looks to end his runs by delivering a hit to the guys trying to tackle him. But Droughns has also shown that he has the ability to break a big run (like the 75 yarder he ripped off against the Dolphins).

The physical style of Droughns' play wore him down towards the end of the season, and finding a reliable back to give him some snaps off should be one of the team's priorities this offseason. Still, Reuben Droughns looks damn good in a orange helmet, and it's nice to know he'll be around next year.

Listen Up

Coach Jim Tressel (no, not him, the real one) has posted an appeal to Buckeye fans on his website to support Operation Helmet. You should do that right away.

The helmets American troops wear are designed to protect against bullets and shrapnel, not against the explosive blast waves and large fragments associated with the IED weapons that they are confronting in Iraq. Why the incompetent a-holes in our government haven't addressed this situation in the almost three years we've been in Iraq is a question only they can answer, but we can do something to protect our soldiers even if our government won't.

Click on this link and help our troops upgrade their helmets so that they provide better protection against IEDs. One helmet upgrade kit costs less than $100. As cheap as I am, I even gave money to them, and I hope you do the same.

If you're interested in donating, you may want to look into the deal that Coach Tressel's offering. Coach Tressel will donate the proceeds received from fans who sign up for membership on his website during the month of March to Operation Helmet. If you do this, you'll also get to attend a closed spring practice scrimmage at the Horseshoe on Saturday, April 8th. This sounds way cool and seems like a pretty good deal for $49.95. I may even sign up myself. I wonder if he'd autograph my toy hovercraft?

Spring Training News

The Tribe beat the Astros 5-2 in their first exhibition game yesterday. Terry Pluto's got a column on it this morning. I want his job.

Meanwhile, five Indians packed their bags and headed out for the Non-Classic. Catcher Victor Martinez (Venezuela), pitchers Rafael Betancourt (Venezuela) and Fernando Cabrera (Puerto Rico), second baseman Ronnie Belliard (Dominican Republic), and first baseman Eduardo Perez (Puerto Rico) could be gone for as much as three weeks.

The departure of these five players isn't likely to help the Indians address their April woes, which are the subject of this article at MLB.com. Tribe Skipper Eric Wedge is trying to look on the bright side of this, telling Burt Graeff of the PD that this will allow the team to get a better look at guys like Shoppach, Marte, Gutierrez, Garko and Snyder.

The Indians take on the Astros again today at Chain o' Lakes Park in Winterhaven. Don't you wish you were there?

Oscar Screw-ups

In honor of the upcoming Academy Awards®, I thought it might be fun to point out just how frequently the Oscar® voters screw up the award for Best Picture. So, here's a by no-means comprehensive list of blown calls by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences:

1963 -- The winner was Tom Jones; the other nominees were America, America, Cleopatra, How the West Was Won, and Lilies of the Field. Notice anything missing? Well, how about the best film made that year -- The Great Escape.

1967 -- Bonnie and Clyde or The Graduate should have gotten the nod over In the Heat of the Night, but the real outrage is the fact that Cool Hand Luke wasn't nominated.

1976-- Sylvester Stallone's Rocky, a very good movie that spawned five increasingly putrid sequels, beat out Network and Taxi Driver, which are both great films.

1979 -- One of the most absurd choices of all time: Kramer v. Kramer. It becomes even more ridiculous when you consider that Apocalypse Now was another nominee. Woody Allen's Manhattan wasn't nominated.

1980 -- Ordinary People beat Raging Bull. Wow.

1981 -- Oscar completes a craptacular three years by giving the nod to Chariots of Fire over Atlantic City and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

1983 -- The hateful Terms of Endearment beat out the wonderful Tender Mercies. Local Hero wasn't nominated.

1987 -- The very boring The Last Emperor beat out the very entertaining Moonstruck.

1990 -- Dances with Wolves beat out Goodfellas. No, seriously, it really did.

1994 -- Forrest Gump beat out Pulp Fiction. Forrest Gump beat out Pulp Fiction. Forrest friggin' Gump beat out Pulp Fiction?!

1996 -- The coma inducing English Patient got the nod over Fargo.

1997 -- Can we now agree that Titanic sucked? L.A. Confidential sure as hell didn't though, and should have gotten the Oscar for Best Picture.

1998 -- Shakespeare in Love beat Saving Private Ryan. American History X didn't get nominated.

Other notable omissions that I discovered include The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, which wasn't nominated in 1962, and Crimes and Misdemeanors , which didn't make the cut in 1989. In 1999, the Academy seems to have decided that the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't nominate Fight Club (although 1999's winner, American Beauty, was a classic).

The Matrix films weren't nominated either, although I have a theory that this might be because they were all pretentious crap and because Keanu Reeves is the worst actor of all time (except for his memorable performance as Ted Logan.).

What's all this mean for this year's Oscars? Bet on the Gay cowboy movie, just don't be surprised if you can't believe they picked it five years from now.

CSU Hoops is a Joke

God Hates Cleveland Sports fires a well-deserved broadside into the Cleveland State basketball program. Last night's 92-58 season-ending bitch-slapping at the hands of Detroit Mercy exemplifies the ineptitude that the Vikings have displayed for the past five years.

How can a Division I team not score a point for the first eight minutes of a game?

I don't want to hear about how hard it is to recruit, although I will point out that one of the big reasons Garland was hired was that he was supposedly a whiz at it. I know that CSU plays in the crappy Horizon League and they have no campus, but other schools face those obstacles too, and don't have the first rate athletic facilities that CSU enjoys. In fact, the Convocation Center is as a nice a facility as any mid-major basketball program could hope to play in, and one that the infinitely more successful Kent State and Akron U programs would give their eye-teeth to have.

There's just no excuse for the track record of futility that the basketball program has built over the years. Sure, there's been some improvement during Garland's tenure, but going from 4-25 to 10-18 over a three year stretch doesn't exactly put your turnaround in the same category as the 1999 St. Louis Rams. Next year, Garland will have three full recruiting classes under his belt. Fans have a right to expect a little more than another sub .500 season and the annual beating by Detroit Mercy.

World Baseball Non-Classic

C.C. Sabathia just pulled out of the World Baseball Classic, and so did Billy Wagner. They were replaced by old goat Al Leiter and the immortal Gary Majewski. Manny Ramirez showed up at the Red Sox camp and promptly announced that he won't play either. Luis Castillo says he probably won't play.

Yeah, it's a classic alright. By the way, in order to find out all the latest info on the guys who won't play in the tournament, all you need to do is visit the front page of the website that Major League Baseball put up to promote it. They're a marketing juggernaut, aren't they? I swear that MLB couldn't spell "cat" if you spotted them the "c" and the "t."

Here's the best news of all: Those of you who loved the 2002 All-Star Game will be delighted to learn that the World Baseball Classic will allow tie games! Just amazing.

Will I watch it? Of course, but bear in mind that I watch Arena Football and the NHL too.