Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Myra Fleener is a Bunny Boiler

Hoosiers is one of my favorite sports movies, and I must have seen it 30 times. But the last couple of times I've watched it, I've become increasingly convinced that pretty little spinster Myra Fleener, Coach Dale's girlfriend, is a total psycho.

Think about it. When Coach Dale first arrives, the lady quickly becomes so obsessive in her hatred and suspicion of him that she drives to a library in Deerlick or Dogsnot or wherever to dig up 20 year old dirt on the poor bastard. Then, when she's about to stick a shiv into him at the town meeting, she has some sort of a breakdown and spends the rest of the movie becoming increasingly infatuated with him.

This is not the basis for a healthy relationship. Especially when you consider that what ultimately sends her into a swoon over the guy is Coach Dale's reluctant decision not to send Everett Flatch back into a game after he rips out the stitches from a gaping wound in his back. Good call coach, but if that's all the humanity that it takes to melt Myra's heart, she must have spent her formative years in a Turkish prison.

With all this as background, you just know that in Hoosiers II, the coach would end up dumping her and she'd end up cooking his pet rabbit. Myra Fleener's a bunny boiler if I ever saw one.

Oh yeah, my guess is that in Hoosiers II, Jimmy Chitwood would turn out to be about as well adjusted as Jimmy Piersall, but that's a tale for another day.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

What's to become of the Browns in the offseason?

I have no answer. So, I went to a wise man and asked him what he thought would happen to the disorganized Browns. He mumbled something about the rain...

"Thank God for the rain which has helped wash away the garbage and trash off the sidewalks. I'm workin' long hours now, six in the afternoon to six in the morning. Sometimes even eight in the morning, six days a week. Sometimes seven days a week. It's a long hustle but it keeps me real busy. I can take in three, three fifty a week. Sometimes even more when I do it off the meter. All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. "
---Travis Bickel

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Confusion about the playoffs

She's confused about who'll win in the playoffs. The NFL's vaunted parity extends to the teams still playing at season's end. So who's a nice girl with a tight can supposed to pick in the neighborhood pool?

Here's a tip: use the Browns factor.

Everyone who's read this site or suffered heartbreak because of one of the local teams, knows that the Cleveland teams, coaches and athletes will somehow break your heart. After all, in the minds of loyal Browns' fans, everything that happens in the NFL is designed to heap furhter humiliation on the good people by the lake. Apply those thoughts to picking amongst the remaining teams.

1. Indy v. Baltimore

Indy doesn't really have a significant Cleveland connection. That should bode well for the Colts. But, what would be more hurtful to the long-suffering fans of Cleveland? Another Super Bowl for the former Modell Rat Birds. Baltimore wins.

2. Phillie v. New Orleans

New Orleans has Jeff Faine. Hell, they even traded for him. That's stupid. Oh yeah. They didn't give up much. Phillie has Rhino whipping boy, El Nervioso, at QB. That should be the kiss of death for Phillie. I don't think it will be. Instead, a Phillie win and good game by El Nervioso allows him to bad mouth the Browns and their fans during the post-game press conference. Phillie wins. El Nervioso throws a few TD passes.

3. Seattle v. Da' Bears

As much as I'd like to pick da' Bears in honor of two of our lesbian readers from Chicago, I can't. No real Cleveland connection here. The Bears' offense sucks. Holmgren looks like he eats lots of sausage from the Cleveland cart vendors. That's good enough. Seattle wins.

4. Pats v. San Diego

Bill Bellyache v. Marty.
Mr. Good Humor v. Mr. "Play-calling is overrated."
Metcalf up the middle v. The prevent defense.
"Diminished skills" v. NFL coach with most wins to never coach in a Super Bowl.
Mr. Fired by Modell v. Mr. Fired by Modell.

My head is spinning. This is a coin flip. Either way, it hurts the Browns fans. Marty finally has more weapons now than at any time in his coaching career. He's got the best running back in the NFL. His team's playing like guys who want to win a Super Bowl. Bellyache's got a smart mouth and Tom Brady, who's suddenly playing like a stud again. I don't know who to pick. Neither does my neighbor.

The tea leaves say Brady and the smart mouth win.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

I, For One, Welcome Our New SEC Overlords

Wow. I think Coach Tressel speaks for all of us this morning.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007