Confusion about the playoffs

She's confused about who'll win in the playoffs. The NFL's vaunted parity extends to the teams still playing at season's end. So who's a nice girl with a tight can supposed to pick in the neighborhood pool?

Here's a tip: use the Browns factor.

Everyone who's read this site or suffered heartbreak because of one of the local teams, knows that the Cleveland teams, coaches and athletes will somehow break your heart. After all, in the minds of loyal Browns' fans, everything that happens in the NFL is designed to heap furhter humiliation on the good people by the lake. Apply those thoughts to picking amongst the remaining teams.



1. Indy v. Baltimore

Indy doesn't really have a significant Cleveland connection. That should bode well for the Colts. But, what would be more hurtful to the long-suffering fans of Cleveland? Another Super Bowl for the former Modell Rat Birds. Baltimore wins.

2. Phillie v. New Orleans

New Orleans has Jeff Faine. Hell, they even traded for him. That's stupid. Oh yeah. They didn't give up much. Phillie has Rhino whipping boy, El Nervioso, at QB. That should be the kiss of death for Phillie. I don't think it will be. Instead, a Phillie win and good game by El Nervioso allows him to bad mouth the Browns and their fans during the post-game press conference. Phillie wins. El Nervioso throws a few TD passes.

3. Seattle v. Da' Bears

As much as I'd like to pick da' Bears in honor of two of our lesbian readers from Chicago, I can't. No real Cleveland connection here. The Bears' offense sucks. Holmgren looks like he eats lots of sausage from the Cleveland cart vendors. That's good enough. Seattle wins.

4. Pats v. San Diego

Bill Bellyache v. Marty.
Mr. Good Humor v. Mr. "Play-calling is overrated."
Metcalf up the middle v. The prevent defense.
"Diminished skills" v. NFL coach with most wins to never coach in a Super Bowl.
Mr. Fired by Modell v. Mr. Fired by Modell.

My head is spinning. This is a coin flip. Either way, it hurts the Browns fans. Marty finally has more weapons now than at any time in his coaching career. He's got the best running back in the NFL. His team's playing like guys who want to win a Super Bowl. Bellyache's got a smart mouth and Tom Brady, who's suddenly playing like a stud again. I don't know who to pick. Neither does my neighbor.

The tea leaves say Brady and the smart mouth win.