Tuesday, May 09, 2006

True Confessions

When I pick up my kid at lacrosse practice, I sometimes like to sit in my car and crank Tupac, just to freak out the other parents. I own a "Free Traficant" t-shirt. I've seen Pulp Fiction at least 50 times. I think that Janeane Garafolo wouldn't look too bad if you had a couple of drinks in you. I watch English soccer. Chicks don't dig me (although they do dig Vinny). I once got marked down on a performance evaluation for "general unpleasantness." I drive an old beater of a car and think I'm morally superior to you because you don't. I quit smoking five years ago, but if I make it to 60, I plan to celebrate my birthday with a carton of Lucky's. If I appear rude or ill-mannered, it's not because I'm having a bad day, it's because I genuinely dislike you and don't care to hide it. I'm thinking of spending $200 on a new hockey stick, even though I suck. Gin gives me headaches, so I had to switch to Scotch. I really miss Gin. I like a Mojito even though it's gay (not that there's anything wrong with that). I want to go to Vegas, but I don't know how to play anything except craps, roulette and black jack. I think Dean Martin was cool. For some reason, dogs really like me. I get nervous when I go fishing, because I really don't know what I'm doing. If you are doing something for me, rest assured that I have no confidence whatsoever that you'll do it right.

3 comments:

Fritz Perls said...

It's good to know you're so completely self-aware -- like Buddha.

Hornless Rhino said...

Well, I did once caddy for the Dalai Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald ... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one -- big hitter, the Lama -- long, into a 10,000-foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga ... gunga, gunga-galunga.

So we finish the 18th and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness."

So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Vinny said...

Dean Martin was very cool.