Ten Movies that I'd rather have a root canal than have to see again

As I was channel surfing the other night, I noticed that one of my all-time most hated movies, Terms of Endearment, was playing on TV. That estrogen soaked orgy of self-indulgence, self-pity and misandry was livened only by the appearance of Jack Nicholson. Jack, while horribly miscast as an astronaut and the beastly Shirley Maclaine's love interest, at least gave off enough non-verbal signals to male viewers to let us know that he knew it sucked too, and hoped that all of us at least got laid for sitting through it.

Needless to say, I didn't waste a lot of time on that particular channel. But, it got me thinking about some of the really horrible movies that I sat through over the years. I'm not talking about the campy, "so bad they're good" movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space or Pink Flamingos. No, I mean the ones that make you dive for the remote, screaming at your spouse or significant other "NO WAY! NO WAY! There's NO $#!*&@ ing way that I'm going to sit through this piece of crap again!!" Anyway, I came up with ten that I thought it would be good to share with you guys, although we all could come up with a lot more.

10. The Color Purple. Who else could capture the experience of a poor black woman in the rural South better than Stephen Spielberg? This is one of Hollywood's all time bad ideas. Alice Walker's crappy novel that was absolutely unavoidable in p.c. college lit classes during the 1980s was made into an even worse movie. Not only was this two hours of man hating, but for eye candy the guys get what..Oprah?... Whoopie Goldberg? I was embarassed for Danny Glover. By the way, some nitwit just made this into a musical (I kid you not).

9. Jerry Maguire. This is not one of Cameron Crowe's finest writing efforts. "You complete me?" Seriously, gentlemen, would any of you, no matter how desperate and dateless, be able to look yourself in the eye ever again if you said something that lame to a woman in private, much less in front of a roomful of middle-aged yentas? Ladies, be honest, if dealing with a sniveling wus delivering a groaner like that, are you more likely to respond with an equally lame line like "You had me at hello" or a snap kick to the crotch? I'd criticize Rene Zelleweger's performance in this as well, but I'm saving that up for...

8. Bridget Jones Diary. My wife loves this move. I find it unwatchable, as Rene Zellweger utterly fails to convince me that a) she's British, b) she's fat or c) she'd have any difficulty finding a guy on any planet where males had eyes. I also hate Hugh Grant.

7. An Officer and a Gentleman. Damn, I got dragged to this one by a girl I went out with in college. I don't have fond memories of her, and they ain't improved by this cinematic gem. Richard Gere gives me the creeps in all of his movies. Gerbil or no gerbil, there's something that just isn't right about that guy. Then there's my nemesis, Debra Winger. Rosanna Arquette made a film a few years ago called Searching for Debra Winger. Based on her filmography, I've got no idea why anybody would look for her.

6. Reds. Warren Beatty. Diane Keaton. Communists. Three and a half hours of communists. My God, My God, why have you abandoned me? My ass still hurts from this juvenile, pretentious and seemingly endless love letter to the people who brought you Stalin, Mao, and 40 million corpses.

5. Dances with Wolves. Proving that there's hope for everyone, the Plain Dealer actually published an article last week admitting that this movie, which won an Oscar for Best Picture in 1990, is really, really bad. Like Reds, this three hour plus ass numbing cinematic experience was long on pretension, and short on entertainment. We get to see Kevin Kostner shed his white man's ways as he learns to love the forest and the buffalo from the wise Native Americans, all of whom have fun names like "Kicking Bird" and "Wind in his Hair." All of this learning enables him to fall in love with some dopey Indian wannabe white chick named "Stands with a Fist." Whatever. A real stinker.

4. Tootsie. If you want to see guys in drag, watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show or Some Like it Hot, not this early-80s crappy comedy. I confess to sort of liking this when it came out (Jessica Lange never looked better than she did in this movie), but Dustin Hoffman gives the second worst female imitation in film history. The worst, of course, is Robin Williams in...

3. Mrs. Doubtfire. Okay, I admit it, I've had a crush on Sally Field since I was about 8 years old. Naturally, I think she can do a hell of a lot better than Robin Williams, who has made a career out of making funny noises and chewing the scenery in every movie he's ever been in. That biased me against this movie from the start, but c'mon, even if you're a fan of Williams and you don't mind him making time with Field, this thing isn't really very good.

2. Love Story. This movie is so bad, I truly believe Al Gore when he says that he and Tipper were the models for it. Ali McGraw's death scene ought to have a laugh track. IMDB's website reports that incoming freshmen at Harvard "are traditionally shown a screening of the film at which they indulge in ritualized mass heckling."

1. The Sound of Music. Lord, do I hate this movie. Not only is it vapid, it's a musical! A three hour musical! Honest to God, when forced to sit through this, I actually find myself rooting for the Nazis. When the Von Trapps are hiding, I find myself screaming at the screen, telling the SS where they are.

So, there you have it--more negativity from the Hornless Rhino (I actually did once get marked down on a performance evaluation for "general unpleasantness").