Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Reasons to Get Out of Bed: EA Sports and Snakes on a Plane

Yup, they lost again. This is turning into a pretty grim summer to be a Cleveland sports fan. We're just past the All-Star break, the Tribe's dead and buried, and the Browns don't even open training camp until July 26. So, the question becomes, how do we make it until the Browns' opener without choking on our own bile?

For me, the answer is two-fold. First, the greatest sports video game in the history of mankind hits the market this week. I'm talking about the latest edition of EA Sports' NCAA Football game. I freakin' love this game, and I become completely addicted to it for several weeks after I buy it. Unlike most video games, I really never tire of it, and continue to play it well into basketball and hockey season. It's the one release every year that I make sure to buy as soon as it comes out. Madden's great, but of the two, this one's more fun.

The other thing that's getting me through this turdburger of a summer is the fact that Snakes on a Plane premieres in a month. If you haven't heard of this film yet, then you should ask yourself why you bothered to get the Internet in the first place. Here's a short synopsis of the plot: assassin puts 400 snakes on a plane with Samuel L. Jackson. Got it? I mean, with the possible exception of Jackson wearing somebody else's brains splattered all over him and spouting made-up versions of quotes from the Bible, what more could any guy possibly want in a film?

Okay, maybe a big role for Harvey Keitel, but you can't have everything.

Samuel L. Jackson and his [expletive deleted] snakes on an [expletive deleted] plane don't hit theaters until August 18th, but the movie's been a pop culture phenomenon for over a year. Among other things, the sheer minimalist perfection of the film's title (which the studio tried to change) has already allowed it to morph into one of the most versatile non-obscene expressions in the English language. In fact, the pop culture impact of this movie--which, again, nobody's even seen yet--is so overwhelming that it's already got party-pooping pundits complaining about how it's the latest sign of the Apocalypse (like we haven't had enough of those in the last couple of weeks).

So, anyway, there you have it. Until the Browns season kicks off, my reasons for getting out of bed in the morning revolve around a video game and an absurdly post-modern action movie aimed at 18 year-olds. I try not to focus on how pathetic-- not to mention creepy -- that is for a guy in his 40s.


chocolate starfish said...

Dear V&HR:
You guys know a lot about sports. Answer me this - Why does Keith Davis, free safety for the Cowboys, keep getting shot?

Hornless Rhino said...

Keith Davis knows who really killed JFK.