Now I Need Help

Vinny, I can finally answer your question--that's definitely Jessica Alba.

Now, I need some help. Could somebody explain to me, in 25 words or less, exactly what ESPN.com's Scoop Jackson is trying to say in this article? I think it's about how Bonds and MLB each are to blame for the steroid mess, but I've read it three times, and I'm still not sure.

It starts out like this:

Let's say everything we've read is truth.

Let's say everything in Sports Illustrated, everything Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams wrote that took over the sports world last week was truth. Let's say Barry Bonds did everything that was written. Let's say the story lived up to its name.

Where would that leave us?

Umm...I guess that would, uh, leave us with the, um, truth, right? Well, Scoop seems to think that while we may have the truth, we don't have the "roots." Anyway, whatever the roots are, they're apparently very important, because Jackson spends the next 1,000 or so words talking about MLB being the "roots" and having to "protect its roots" and us "living in a world of blind, rootless lumberjacks."

WTF?

I have no idea whether Jackson is trying to make any point aside from the painfully obvious one that MLB turned a blind eye toward steroids for years. In fact, reading the article again, I can't rule out the possibility that he may have been stoned when he wrote it. If so, more power to him.

ESPN.com definitely needs a replacement for the late Hunter S. Thompson, and if this is Scoop Jackson's application for the job, he's certainly shown that he can froth at the mouth with the best of them. On the other hand, his writing doesn't show any signs of Thompson's manic brilliance, which means that Jackson could wind up being a lot closer to Ali G than Hunter S.