Dear Pittsburgh Steelers, Please Accept My Heartfelt Congratulations

"From hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!"
-- Captain Ahab, Founder, Cape Cod Browns Backers

Well, well-- you sonofabitchin' bahstages won another Super Bowl. Imagine my surprise. Good. It only makes me hate you more.

So, Steelers, I'm sure you've got quite a homecoming to look forward to. You'll be met at the airport by thousands of people who celebrated your victory by spending their last black lung checks on bottles of Everclear, Ben Roethlisberger jerseys and terrible towels. By the way, if you've ever wondered why your dipstick fans spend the entire game swinging those piss colored towels over their heads, it's because most of them haven't showered since Bradshaw retired and it's the only way to keep the flies off of them.

Then, of course, you'll have a parade through the heart of Pittsburgh. What a gala that will be! I can see it now--the parade route lined six deep with the drunken, unemployed hillbillies that form the backbone of your fan base. I'm sure there won't be a hubcap safe in all of Western Pennsylvania. Hell, maybe your fans picked up some new skills while they were in the Motor City, so perhaps we can look forward to some really heavy duty looting to cap off their three day drunk.

On behalf of all Browns fans, I'd like to make sure that you guys don't forget to get yourselves some nice Super Bowl rings--the bigger the better -- and then, if we could ask just one small favor, please take those rings, and shove them up right up your asses.

Go Browns.