Things I hate

Politicians, liver, country music, Star Wars, France, cilantro, Pittsburgh fans, the Olympics, Florida college football, the NCAA, movies where everyone pretends Susan Sarandon is hot looking, musicals, baked chips, sun chips, lite beer, white wine, beef bologna, tuna in oil, Pat Robertson, the State of the Union, phone solicitors, the Plain Dealer, movies with one of the Baldwin brothers in them, flossing, the smelly Axe crap my 13 year old and every other teenage boy in North America friggin' douses themselves in, what a fat pig I am, Duke, the CBS Evening News, going to the doctor, my commute, when you go to Brueggers and the bagel they give you is, like, flat and crusty, the airlines, how I have to buy a new couch again, MTV, emissions testing, mortgage payments, cleaning the garage, long sermons, 60 Minutes, suits with vests, The Olive Garden, camping, how I suck at hockey, tequila, the jerk who ALWAYS sits in front of me on the plane and insists on reclining his friggin' seat, pork tenderloin, tree huggers, anti-smoking crusaders, SUVs, the Ohio Republican Party, the way my kids get maple syrup all over everything, cats, Bryant Gumbel, NASCAR, the Indian mascot nuts, Drew Rosenhaus, Scott Boras, the NFL's sudden death overtime format, people who talk on their cell phones during ball games, people who drive 55 mph in a 55 mph zone, people who hate dogs, Al Gore, the American cheese that comes wrapped in individual plastic envelopes (what the hell is with that, anyway?), my annual neighborhood block party, Columbus (cow town U.S.A.), Cleveland civic cheerleaders, trendy bars, the BCS, holy days of obligation, Christmas shopping, greeting card company holidays, Giant Eagle, Butch Davis, Geena Davis, the Pro Bowl, Miracle Whip, cankles, carpetbagger sports franchises, people who drive 2 miles an hour in a downtown parking garage because at 9:00 a.m. on a weekday they think they're likely to find a spot somewhere before the roof, voice mail, people who send you e-mail at 3:00 a.m. and wonder why you didn't check your blackberry before 6:00 a.m., windsor knots, people who refuse to learn how to use a computer, people who are obsessed with their computer, bobble heads, shopping for clothes (yes, do you have that in a 20" neck and 38" sleeves? Do you have anything bigger than a 52 long?), the fact that my head is too fat and my ears are so far back that the only sunglasses I can wear are the ones old guys wear over their regular glasses, the way my eyebrows keep growing, the Pro Bowlers Tour, the way everyone pretends that Malley's is good candy or that Drew Carey is funny.

But I don't hate the ones who bring you rock and roll...