Pathetic

What a waste of a Sunday evening that was, huh? After a nice first drive, the Browns stumbled, bumbled and fumbled through three quarters of inept football, while the Pittsburgh Steelers generally whomped the snot out of them. The Steelers ran, they threw, they did generally whatever the hell they wanted to do, even managing to score two touchdowns with Tommy Maddox--the one QB in the league I wouldn't trade Dilfer for--at the helm.

Of course, with all the weapons they had, I think they might have scored a couple touchdowns with me at QB. After all, I can reverse pivot and stick the ball in Jerome Bettis' or Duce Staley's ample gut as well as the next guy. Speaking of ample guts, that appears to have been the only thing that slowed the Steelers' rushing game all night. Bettis, in particular, seemed to be able to gain seven yards whenever he felt like it, pausing only for periodic doses of oxygen and bites of his Primanti Brothers sandwich (pictured above, and highly recommended by the Rhino).

With the notable exception of Reuben Droughns, who is a stud, the Browns were their inept selves last night. One of the things you've got to admire about the Pumpkin Helmets is their ability to rise to the occasion--the bigger the stage, the more embarrassing their performance. This started, of course, with their unforgettable first game back in 1999, where a Sunday night national TV audience learned that these new guys sure weren't your father's Cleveland Browns (nothing drives that point home quite like 43 to zippity doo da).

The Browns certainly upheld this grand tradition of ineptitude last night. There were so many examples: a QB who couldn't hit the broad side of a barn, receivers who were absolutely terrified--I mean peeing-their-pants-just-seen- a- ghost- plane- plummeting-from-the- sky petrified-- to catch balls over the middle, a left tackle whose highest and best use appears to be as a Sponge Bob Square Pants balloon in a Thanksgiving Day parade, etc. On the defensive side of the ball, you had the amazin' stumblin' safeties, the human blocking sled, Alvin McKinley, up front, and the clueless linebacking crew wandering around aimlessly five to seven yards behind the line of scrimmage, wondering just exactly what they're supposed to do in a 3-4 scheme.

You know, I don't expect much from this team, at least not this year, but I do wish they'd figure out a way to be less boring. The boredom factor was brought home to me again last night, when Paul Maguire mentioned something about the Jaguars coming close to tying the new Browns record streak of games in which the team scored less than 30 points. I wasn't aware of that record, but it sure didn't surprise me. The Browns have been the most boring team in football for so long that fans who used to lose sleep over the team now find themselves struggling to stay awake during games. So, Phil and Romeo, add another objective to your list--if you can't win with the personnel you've got, at least figure out a way to keep us awake.