On field etiquette

I was watching the replays of the goof in Cincinnati who ran on the field and grabbed the ball from Brett Favre. He's pretty lucky that it was the paunchy security guard who gave him a pile driver into the turf, as opposed to a pissed-off player. With 22 world class athletes standing around in armor, that guy's lucky he didn't get killed.

Although I tend to believe that athletes are generally overpaid, thin-skinned, pampered prima donnas, I do think they have the right to kick someone's ass who enters the playing field. In addition to being fundamentally fair, it's pretty damn entertaining.

Remember the guy who parachuted into the Evander Holyfield---Riddick Bowe boxing match and received a heavyweight ass-kicking for his trouble? I loved that. He claimed the moniker "Fan Man," and used a motorized parachute to drop in on the fight to protest the "senseless violence of boxing." Unfortunately for Fan Man, the protest didn't really have its desired effect. You see, the other fans, who paid a lot of dough to watch a heavyweight fight not some jackass with a parachute, beat him senseless. When he recovered consciousness, he was jailed That's the kind of sports memory that sadly doesn't get included in ESPN's Most Exciting Sports Moments, even though it was exciting and funny as hell.

Of course, the grandaddy of them all may be the time, in April of 1975, when Rick Monday of the Dodgers shoved a protester down and wrenched the American flag away from him before he could burn it. Monday became an instant hero; received a boatload of congratulatory letters; and had a career year to boot. The protester, on the other hand, was jailed.

Although I generally enjoy watching the occasional overzealous fan receive a televised beating from one of his sports heroes, I'll pass along a quick suggestion that might save a loyal Vinny and the Hornless Rhino reader from that fate: First and foremost, I think it's safe to say that you should not, under any circumstance, enter the field of play during a game. That rule, however, doesn't apply at all if you have really big jugs. If you've got 'em, go for it. The world is your oyster. Of course, you don't need me to tell you that. You've probably known that since the eighth grade. But, to be clear, I don't mean to imply that, if you're merely "buxom," you have a free pass to run out onto the field or court. Oh no. I mean you have to have really BIG JUGS to get away with it. They have to be big enough to stop a guy in his tracks on the street. They have to be big enough to be seen from a good distance. For example, the outfielders have to know in a glance that you're some hot chick running out on the field toward home plate and not some deranged nut trying to offer violence to a teammate. Morgana the Kissing Bandit never seemed to get into trouble, even though she was routinely violating ballpark rules. Perhaps that's because her stated measurements were 60-23-35.

I know I wouldn't have the heart to convict someone like that for criminal trespassing, but that's just me. I'm old-fashioned.