The Horror! The Horror!

"He cried in a whisper at some image, at some vision--he cried out twice, a cry that was no more than a breath: 'The Horror! The Horror!'"

-- Joseph Conrad, The Heart of Darkness

Even though I read Heart of Darkness in college (okay, I read the Cliff's Notes, but I saw Apocalypse Now several times), I never really understood what Mr. Kurtz saw in his last vision that made him despair so utterly. Now, it occurs to me that he may have been watching a Browns game.

If you were at home watching it on television, you were one of the lucky ones -- you always had the option of changing the channel. I was actually there in person with my 13-year old son. We didn't see a game this afternoon, we witnessed three hours of football porn. I give the fans credit, though, they didn't start chanting Charlie Frye's name until Trent Dilfer threw his second interception with about 57 seconds left in the first half. (Actually, I kind of felt bad for Dilfer, because that ball was tipped before it was picked-off, making it one of the few offensive catastrophes of the afternoon that wasn't of his making.)

Dilfer's scintillating performance earned him a whopping 22.4 QB rating (I used to think no pulse or respiration got you a rating of 22.2, although I believe El Nervioso actually pitched a shutout once last season). But you also gotta put your hands together for Antonio Bryant, who dropped a critical third down pass in the 4th quarter and once again showed why, despite his performance against the Bears, you don't want to have to rely on him during crunch time. Other guys who deserve a mention include the offensive line (4 sacks), Braylon Edwards (who doesn't appear to know the plays), Alvin McKinley (whom the Lions ran right at whenever they needed three yards), and, of course, Kyle Richardson (the only punter in the NFL who could make us pine for the good old days of Derrick Frost).

I'm starting to have my doubts about Maurice Carthon, too. As smart as his schemes looked against Green Bay, the last three weeks have been a game planning and play calling disaster.

I warned everybody about the second coming of El Nervioso, and while he wasn't as dominant as I feared he might be, he was without a doubt the game's offensive MVP. Of course, being the offensive MVP of this abortion is like being the proverbial "best hockey player in Peru."

To make matters worse, I missed the day's highlight--no, I'm not talking about Cribbs' kick-off return, I saw that. What I didn't see was a classic bit of trash talk directed at Larry the Lions fan. Larry was about three rows in front of me, and he didn't show off his Detroit Lions cap until they took the lead (which happened about eight beers into Larry's afternoon). Larry then put his Lions hat on cockeyed over the touque he was already wearing, thus giving us all the full Eminem "u wanna be me" experience. But then (or so I'm informed) Larry started to push his luck. He started crying pass interference when the Lions failed to convert a 3rd down late in the game. Now, I had my headphones on, listening to Donovan and missing Nev, but I have it on good authority that Larry made a fatal error when he turned around to make his plea directly to the fans in our section. His words were met with a single response from a Browns fan whose wits are a lot sharper than mine: "Sit down and shut up, 8 Mile!" Nice. We never heard from Larry again.

One ray of light in a bleak afternoon: if you listened to the Hornless Rhino, you made money again, for the third week in a row.