Thursday, October 06, 2005

Deserve's got nothin' to do with it

The idea for my nom de plume came from a comment that Vinny made at Sunday's Tribe game. I had predicted that the Indians would go down in flames in last weekend's series, but hope continued to flicker in Vinny, even after the Wahoos' performance against the Devil Rays and Ben Broussard's imitation of a tee ball player with ADHD during his 11th inning at-bat on Friday night. As reality began to sink in on Sunday, Vinny turned to his companion at the game and reportedly said, "what really bothers me most is the way that hornless rhino is gonna strut around about being right about this."

Strut? No way. First of all, on my best days, I look like a clean shaven version of Bob Wickman, so strutting would not be a pretty sight for anyone. Also, I'm not happy about what happened to the Tribe over the weekend--far from it. I'm like you. I got physically ill when Edgar Renteria singled in the 11th inning of Game 7 and when Byner fumbled. I still want to tar and feather the umpires for giving the Braves' pitching staff a strike zone that was a foot wider than the plate in 1995, and you'll never convince me that Karliss' field goal in overtime in 1987 was good. Michael Jordan is Satan. John Elway is the Anti-Christ. In fact, if the Browns, Cavs, or Indians win a championship, I'll be the first in line to pillage downtown. But folks, it just isn't going to happen.

There's a new civic boosterism campaign out there called "Believe in Cleveland." Okay, whatever-- I like it here too. But as we start out with this blog, maybe I should tell you what the H.R. himself believes, just so you won't get the wrong impression and starting looking for comments like "WOOF! WOOF! BROWNS ARE GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!" on this site.

I believe that the Tribe will never win a World Series.

I believe that the Browns will never win a Super Bowl.

I believe that the Cavs will never win an NBA Championship.

I believe that Cleveland will never get an NHL franchise, but that if it did, the team would never win the Stanley Cup.

I believe that the Force or the Crunch or whatever the name of the indoor soccer team is doesn’t count.

I believe that people who think the indoor soccer team counts are effete Eurotrash who ought to move to freakin’ France if they love soccer so freakin’ much.

I believe that bad Cleveland teams serve essentially the same function as the Washington Generals do when they play the Harlem Globetrotters.

I believe that good Cleveland teams are destined to be nothing more than role players in somebody else’s highlight film.

I believe that a victory by a Cleveland team should be viewed merely as setting the stage for a more painful defeat.

I believe that if a Cleveland team looks like Destiny’s Darlings, Brian Sipe will throw an interception, Jim Chones will break his foot or Jose Mesa will decide to throw sliders.

I believe that Cleveland is where talented sports figures with great credentials come to fail.

I believe that Cleveland fans think that the people at Fox (especially McCarver), ESPN (especially Gammons and Morgan), CBS, ABC, NBC, MLB and the NFL are biased against us.

I believe that Cleveland fans are operating under the mistaken assumption that we are somehow important enough to the foregoing people and organizations for them to develop a bias against us.

I believe that the entire population of Northeast Ohio was put on this planet to provide the rest of the nation with convenient, one-stop shopping for all their scorn and derision needs.

I believe that other cities beat our teams because the people who live there are better looking, smarter and more successful than we are.

I believe that the most important thing our schools can teach our children is how to conjugate the verb “to suck.”

Most of all, I believe that people who think Cleveland and its great fans “deserve “ a championship ought to remember what William Munny said to Little Bill in “Unforgiven” just before he blew him away:

Deserve's got nothin’ to do with it.

No comments: