Fantasy in South Florida

Sorry that I've been derelict in my posts, but I spent the weekend in Boca Raton for a fantasy baseball draft. Ten of us having been doing this since 1987.

The draft went well. I have a great infield, great closers, slightly above-average starters, Jim Thome as my DH, but a weak outfield. I guess I'll find out if you can win a competitive league with a bunch of bums in the outfield. It's an AL only league. As to members of the Tribe, Victor Martinez, Todd Hollandsworth, Jake Westbrook and Jason Johnson grace my roster.

More imporantantly, I was hanging out with some other baseball nerds and dancers. Roberto ("Manos de Piedra") Duran showed up too. He, as you guessed, was not part of the baseball draft. He showed up for the dancers, and quickly ensconced himself and his small entourage in what appeared to be a fairly large Arabian tent-like structure. A cadre of dancers was dispatched, and he was never seen again. Sadly for him, he didn't get to hang out with a bunch of lawyers and talk about baseball. I kinda feel sad for the guy. Well, I guess you can't have everything.

Opening Day

It may be cold, gray and miserable outside, but from my office window I can still see that several hundred people have already arrived at The Jake for today's home opener, even though the first pitch (assuming there is one) is still more than one hour away.

It's nice to be able to focus on something other than the Bud Selig's incompetence or Barry Bonds' dishonesty. The one thing that saves baseball from its repeated suicide attempts is just how good a game it is, and there's nothing like Opening Day to remind you of that.

But that's all it is: a really great game. Some wannabe Aristotles insist on waxing philosophic about baseball and never cease their attempts to convince us that there are some deep insights into the American psyche to be found in a baseball game.

Yes, Professor, I know it's the only game where the defense has the ball and the only team game without a clock. Those are cool facts, but they don't provide particularly profound insights into the meaning of life, and you sound like an ass when you pretend that they do.

So, the next time you see some poseur quoting Jacques Barzun on baseball, tell him to shut his pie hole and watch the friggin' game.

Go Tribe, and PLAY BALL!!

New Link: Dude, WTF?

This lady definitely makes the blog roll--and Dude, WTF? has got to be the best name for a blog I've seen in a long time.

Bonds isn't as Bad as McGwire

Ed posted a comment on Vinny's last entry asking if I didn't also have strong feelings about Barry Bonds. What can I say about Bonds? Not much that hasn't been said, really. My personal bete noire in all of this is Mark McGwire, whom I loathe with a passion that I just can't raise for Bonds.

See, everybody has always known that Bonds was a jackass, but to Bonds' credit, he never tried to be anything else until the manure hit the fan last month. Now, he's all about taking care of his family. Whatever you think sells, Barry, is okay by me. And aside from love of family, Barry's apparently trying to sell hatin' whitey pretty hard too. Okay, that's a time honored strategy in America, so go for it.

As you know if you read this blog, I've got little tolerance for either the cynical manipulators who play the race card at the drop of a hat or their fuzzy headed enablers. The thing is, I think Bonds has kind of got a point. Where's the outrage over McGwire? The lousy SOB boo-hoo-hooed his way through testimony in front of Congress in a way that a guy like Bonds never would be allowed to emulate.

Why does McGwire get so little attention while Bonds gets raked over the coals? Sure, the fact that McGwire is yesterday's news has a lot to do with it, but I've got to tell you, I think the color of his skin is a factor here. Of course, the biggest reason everybody's jumping on Bonds is that aside from Ty Cobb, Barry may be the least likeable man ever to play the game.

But he's got something else in common with Cobb too: he's one of the greatest baseball players who ever lived--and he was a first ballot Hall of Famer before he ever alleged to have touched a steroid. In contrast, McGwire was the classic one trick pony.

It's got to gall Bonds to see how McGwire not only hogged the glory during his chase of Maris, but now has managed to avoid the negative spotlight that's shining so intently on him.

Frankly, it galls me too.

Boo Hoo

Feel sorry for Barry Bonds. Boo Hoo.

Here's what he said on his reality show, as he teared up:

"I wish I could just walk away, like leave this game. But then I let my father down, my mom down, myself, everybody. My teammates. "I just wanna play ball. And that's just it."

Barry Bonds is still an asshole.

Even if he's trying to rehabilitate his image through an ESPN "reality show;" even if he acts oddly self-effacing; even if he put on a dress in spring training and yukked it up with the guys; even if he's nice to little old ladies and puppies (which I doubt), Barry Bonds is still an asshole.

I don't know why he and the media are acting surprised at the reception he received in San Diego. He's getting ready to sully the Great Bambino's legacy. While that alone is unforgiveable, he's also going to cheapen the truly gargantuan accomplishment of Hank Aaron, who beat the Babe fair and square.

Joe Morgan suggested Proud to Be Your Bud's announcement of an investigation is tinged by racism. It's not. It's because Bonds is a first-rate asshole who won't go away. My pal, the Rhino, ripped Mark McGwire in an earlier post for sidling up to the Maris family as he pissed all over poor Roger Maris' grave. Bonds did the same thing last year to his godfather, the Say Hey Kid, Willie Mays. I hope Aaron doesn't smile and shake his hand if Bonds hits number 756. He shouldn't have to suffer that indignity. That man put up with enough in '74.

Awesome Game!

Of course, I'm talking about the Colorado v. Chicago game, in which the Avalanche overcame a 3-2 deficit with two goals in the last minute of the 3rd period to beat the Blackhawks 4-3.

You didn't seriously think I'd sit through that entire terrible basketball game, did you? That's just not going to happen as long as I've got the NHL on OLN as an option.

Come to think of it, I'll take The Hockey Song over that stupid One Shining Moment any day of the week too.

Oh the good old hockey game
it's the best game you can name
and the best game you can name
is the good old hockey game!

NCAA Championship Prediction: Jeff Bezos v. Dukie V

This is Jeff Bezos. He's a billionaire. He's the CEO of Amazon.com, has raised more money from investors than anyone in the history of capitalism except for the Google guys, and even got named Time's "Man of the Year" back when the Internet was all that.

Most men would settle for that. Not Bezos. He wants to be a hoops prognosticator. His company spammed America's inboxes this morning with the bold prediction that UCLA was going to take home the trophy. That takes some cojones.

Dukie V likes Florida, but only because Duke isn't playing. Let's linger on the last clause of that sentence for awhile, shall we?

Duke isn't playing.

What beautiful words those are, huh?

Anyway, I don't like Dukie V, I admire Bezos' cojones, and Amazon offers free supersaver shipping on qualifying orders over $25. That settles it: I'm picking UCLA. Judging by their offensive output against everybody except Belmont, I think the score ought to be something you'd expect from a couple of mediocre high school teams: UCLA 57, Florida 52.

I don't like to say it, but...

C.C. made me look a little prescient yesterday. The big reason why I didn't pick the Tribe for more wins (even though Yahoo has 'em down for 95 and most other publications start at last year's total 0f 93) was that they were so damn lucky when it came to the health of their players. Well C.C. started the year off by...straining his abdomen. What the hell is that? That sounds like a made up injury.

At least when another guy with an oversized boiler, the Great Bambino, went into the tank with an injury, the New York media published something everyone could understand: he ate too many hot dogs. I think that's how I'll report C.C.'s early demise: the big bastard couldn't push away from the table and his gut's sore from so much eating. He'll probably be back in 15-20 days.

P.S. In one respect, C.C. was primed and in mid-season form. Did you notice how crooked he wore his cap? He remains primo amongst the imitators on this one.

Amazon.com Predicts a Bruins Victory

Look at what just showed up in my in-box. Amazon.com wants me to buy NCAA championship merchandise, and according to them, it's all over but the shouting. Congrats to the Bruins! On the other hand, maybe Amazon.com is hedging their bets a little, since their advertising pitch reads as follows:

"Congratulations, [placeholder for winning team]! As someone who has purchased sports-related products, we thought you should be the first to see our selection of NCAA championship products."

So, Gator fans, there's still hope. Despite the bold prediction, Amazon.com hasn't embroidered UCLA's name on the hats they're selling.



I wonder if I beat Deadspin to the punch on this one?

Update: Yes, I did beat Deadspin to the punch. Of course, their post is much more entertaining, but you heard it here first.

My wild guess

I think the Tribe will do very well this year. However, unlike most people, I'm not assuming they'll win more games than they did last year. If fact, I think they'll win fewer. I'm guessing 90. Here's why.

The Tribe is young. It's reasonable to expect most of their young players to do as well as last year or better. Sizemore is the exception. You have to worry about the dreaded sophomore jinx. Don't worry. It's not gonna happen. Sure, Grady will have a few droughts, but at the end of the year, I suspect his numbers in '06 will be better than his terrific '05 numbers.

The starters are solid. Byrd and Johnson should give what the Tribe's deep thinkers thought when they acquired 'em. The two should post in excess of 400 innings and should combine for 25 wins. I'll take that. Westbrook should be fine. Closer to his '04 numbers than '05. That means he'll show slight improvement over last year.

You want a pennant? Look to the two lefties, Carsten "Crooked Hat" Charles Sabathia and Cliff Lee for that. For me to be wrong, these two really have to be the reason. Unfortunately, I think they'll both be very good and that CC will be maddeningly inconsistent. He will look utterly dominant and then forget how to pitch. I probably should invoke a comparison to Bartolo Colon's days with the Tribe here to make my point. OK. You get it.

The pen should be fine too. I really like Fernando Cabrera, and so do all the fantasy magazines. He could be really good some day as a closer. I just hope it isn't this year. If you guys read this with any regularity, you know I also like Andrew Brown...a lot. He didn't make the 25 man roster, but I'm pretty sure we'll see him before September.

The hitters will be as good as last year or better. Michaels will be a pleasant surprise to those who remain ignorant of the senior circuit. People won't miss Coco, even though he'll be a star in Boston. The Tribe's gonna score runs, lots of them. Victor Martinez should really emerge as a bona fide star. Peralta's probably going to see a drop in his numbers. His secondary numbers don't support a repeat, at this point, of his numbers from last year. He really needs to control the strike zone. Sizemore's fabulous and will get better. Belliard is the same guy he's been for the last two years. Sadly, Blake, Boone and Broussard are what they are too. Perez will give a nice right-handed bat in a platoon and off the bench. Nice acquisition.

Pronk is, of course, great when he's healthy. That's the problem and not just for Half Project/ Half Donkey. Look at the numbers from last year. The scary truth is that the Indians were amongst the healthiest teams in MLB. When's the last time you could say that about any Cleveland team. Unlike my writing partner, I'm not sitting here with metaphysical certitude knowing that the other shoe will soon drop. I'm just pointing out that that is one achievement that will be hard to duplicate. However, the one thing that bodes well for the Tribe in that regard is that most of the guys are young. They should be able to handle the grind.

If injuries do hit, the Indians have a shocking amount of depth. That also contributed to drop my win total to 90. Here's why. If, for example, Boone goes down, we luckily can plug Marte into the spot. He's great. He's a premium prospect. That means the front office will be patient with him and give him a real opportunity to contribute. It's hard for rookies to contribute in a pennant push, and even when he stumbles, Wedge will run him out again the next day. The same is true to varying degrees about Franklin Guitierrez, Brad Snyder and Ryan Garko. I'm not being critical, just realistic.

I think they could sneak into the play-offs. My number's conservative, but I'll stick to it.

I Hiked This

This is the South Kaibab trail in the Grand Canyon. Picture this covered in mud and ice. I hiked this thing, even though I'm terrified of heights.

How terrified? Think James Stewart in Vertigo.

I love to hike, and we did a lot of it in Arizona, but I wasn't enthusiastic about this adventure when we started out. Not only was I scared to death, but the trail was a mess of mud and ice. Then again, I wouldn't have been thrilled about this trek under the best of conditions -- this picture doesn't begin to tell you how narrow the Kaibab is, how steep it is and how far you fall if you go over the edge. As one of the rangers told me, "in the Grand Canyon, we don't have rescue missions, we have recovery missions. We just pull out the body."

I don't want to overdramatize this--a couple hundred thousand people hike below the rim every year, but few are as cowardly as I am. Not only that, but this hike didn't start out very well. The fearless Mrs. Rhino and I got about a quarter of a mile through these switchbacks when my 70 year old mother (who otherwise loved the hiking on this trip) and two out of our three kids decided they'd had enough. So, up the mud and ice slick we went, dropped them off at the top, and started all over again accompanied only by our oldest son. We slid through the ice and mud, tried to avoid the mule caravans and the mule shit, and found out pretty quickly that one of the truisms of the Grand Canyon is that almost anybody can hike down. The trick is hiking back up.

Only 5% of the visitors to the Grand Canyon ever go below the rim. We didn't get to the bottom (only went about two miles round trip--two and a half counting the false start), although Vinny did when he visited. That makes him part of a very elite 1% of Canyon visitors. Someday, maybe I'll join him.

By the way, this photo is from the National Park Service. Mrs. Rhino took some of her own while I was holding on to the Canyon walls for dear life. I'll post some of those, as well as some that she took in Sedona (which is incredible), later this week.

I'm glad I didn't read this book before my trip.

April Fools!

It's tough enough to deal with lost luggage and other travel hassles without Vinny nearly giving me a heart attack with his last post. Gary Sheffield an Indian? America's favorite clubhouse cancer and former friend of Barry? Say it ain't so!

Anyway, Vinny's 100% correct in identifying Sidd Finch as the greatest April 1st sports prank of all time. Here's a link to an online version of the original Sidd Finch article, and a tip of the hat to the greatest sportswriting Brahmin of them all, George Plimpton. David Halberstam was really Plimpton's only competitor for top Brahmin honors, but he forfeited any claim to that title when he published his Belichick hagiography, which we reviewed here.

While we're on the subject, here's a list of the top 100 April Fools hoaxes of all time. Sidd comes in at a very respectable #2.

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Cinderella bit the dust tonight. Assuming UCLA doesn't choke down the stretch, this sets up one of the least interesting NCAA finals matchups in recent memory. Upsets are what make the tournament interesting, but without a single number 1 seed in the Final Four, this year's tourney looks more like the World Baseball Classic than March Madness.

Does anybody seriously think that UCLA or Florida are among the top 5 teams in the country? Maybe that's the NCAA's April Fools Day joke on all of us. I'll give it 10 minutes on Monday night, and then I'm going to continue my quixotic quest to find Mannix reruns somewhere on cable.

Indians Acquire Gary Sheffield

No. They didn't. It's a lame April Fool's joke and doesn't compare to the great one pulled by George Plimpton of SI several years ago when he wrote about pitching phenomenon Sidd Finch.


I thought we needed some new content, but the Hornless one still appears to be bringing his twisted brand of cheer to the Arizonans. I haven't had time to think about Cleve sports, much less write about 'em. So, you guys get this crap.

Have a nice day.